I've Been Losing Sleep Over the New Minis, But Not for the Reasons You Think

"mtdrift" (mtdrift) 01/10/2014 at 10:52 • Filed to: Mini, Paceman, Countryman, Rants, Moke

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In the crowded little coastal town where I used to live in Massachusetts there was a hoarder of classic Minis. He had a quadruple garage with big windows, so you could peek in at them, all covered in dust and patina: Coopers, Cooper S's, vans, pick-ups, Countrymen(sp?), even a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . They came in all different shapes, but really only one size - very, very small. If you're going to hoard cars on limited real estate, you could do far worse than Minis.

This was something that defined the classic Mini over time - the squeezing and massaging of the little utilitarian box to fit multiple purposes. Function over form in its highest and best use. When BMW brought the new Minis back to American shores, they started with the basic box, and then gradually began introducing mutant versions of their own: Convertible, Clubman, Coupe, Roadster, Countryman, Paceman. And now, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! But for many of my fellow Jalops, this evolution of the brand borders on blasphemy. The crimes? A betrayal of the brand and: the Minis, they ain't so Mini any more.

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The amount of hysteric vitriol we've been spewing at the new four-door, starting with Máté himself, is completely uncalled for. Torch, I love you man, but of all !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! I !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! of Máté's Mini four door article on Monday, but it didn't gain much traction, and I've been wondering why. Hence the loss of sleep. So, I'm going to revisit the problem. Full disclosure here - I drive a 2004 Cooper S. And despite its flaws, I love it. The jury's out for me on the 2014 Mini until I see and drive one.

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The first issue of size (OMG MINIs ARENT MINI) is patently irrelevant. We all know car manufacturers are beholden to regulations that drive the design of automobiles. We are living in a golden age of automotive safety and comfort, partly due to innovations by the manufacturers themselves, partly due to governments mandating those technologies. The bulbous !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! are a direct result of that evolution. If you think that sporting a wood-rim steering wheel that's embedded in your chest is a great fashion statement, then by all means, there are plenty of ways out there to !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Knock yourself out. The rest of us might enjoy driving a car that can survive a rear-end collision with something larger than a shopping cart.

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Some of you brought up Mini's DOA concept from a couple years back, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , as a missed opportunity for Mini, a chance to produce an up! or Smart-sized vehicle that really truly would be Mini. That's a fair argument, but it's inconsistent: !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! or !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! as much we apparently hate the Countryman. But where the Countryman is too big, the Smart is too small and too slow? What do we want, people? Can you honestly tell me that BMW !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! (would not Hoon), instead of what we actually got in 2002, the R53, a car we mostly profess to love? There's !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! these days. We can drive our small cars and live to tell about it too.

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The second argument among the KILL-IT-WITH-FIRE-set against the expansion (both in terms of models and size) of the brand is that it violates some kind of core philosophy or spirit of the Mini. It's almost as if the Paceman itself somehow dug up the grave of Alec Issigonis and started pissing in his skull. Remember, Issigonis was the man who purportedly said, "The public don't know what they want, it's my job to tell them." The Mini is not a car with some permanent, immutable essence; it's a brand , and a very successful one at that. Leveraging that brand into multiple market segments is only logical for BMW; it will evolve. Issigonis himself and his successors whored out the Mini design onto multiple platforms. Compounding our hypocrisy, it's unconscionable for us !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! that are the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and then throw shade at the Countryman or the new, tidy four door concept.

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In what way is the Dakar Mini even close to adhering to this imaginary "spirit" of the original Mini? It's huge. It's four-wheel drive. It's jacked up like an AT-AT. But it's also completely fucking awesome - and that's the point. If I was to casually push any one of Mini's current models over a cliff, it would be, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , the Coupe. Not because it goes against "everything Mini stands for", but because I think it's fugly. It's an aesthetic judgement. If you don't like the looks of the Paceman, break out the napalm for that reason, don't claim that it cuts you to the bone because Mini has "lost its way." There is no "way." Yes, the Paceman is !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . So is !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . And !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . And !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Yes, the classic Mini was produced basically unchanged until 1990, but, let's really be honest with ourselves, by then it just wasn't very good any more. Some short-sighted, meme slave, reactionaries out there (my fellow current Mini owners among them) have even suggested that they will never buy a Mini henceforth because of the arrival of the four door hardtop: a final nail in Mini's coffin and a terminal blow to their faith in humanity. Really? Really?

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I mean, look, this is all a matter of perspective. The Mini, in all its forms, is still a damn small car, and a very good one at that. If a four door and AWD (the horror!) Mini Countryman is so good it can pry my neighbor out of his lethargic, horrible, gas-sucking Denali (which it did) then we all have won, have we not? If more drivers could learn the joy of a swift, compact, sharp-handling, fuel-efficient hatchback, even one that's a little bloated around the edges, the world would be a much better place. Jalops should rejoice at the four door Mini, not disparage it! Hell, name me another car company in America that offers EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ITS MODELS with a manual transmission besides FIAT and Lotus (companies that also will inevitably lose their way through model creep - oh God, save us.).

Imagine just for a moment, one of these new four door hardtops painted brown (a color you can get!) with a grunty little diesel in it, and you'll see what I mean. I dare any of you to turn your nose up at that. If anything, you'd be complaining that it wasn't a wagon. Mini is not betraying its history, it hasn't lost its way. It's still the vanguard of small cars (even if they are a little larger now) and it's carrying a flag that we should all rally around. If anything, we should be !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , not shunning them. We need to encourage auto makers to design and produce small cars that appeal to enthusiasts of many stripes, that are engaging to drive, that are analog in the best ways. MINIs for everyone!

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DeMarcusStark > mtdrift 01/21/2014 at 11:42

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LONG LIVE THE COUNTRYMAN!!!!
Yes, i fucking love the countryman, and i would love to own a white or grey (black roof in both cases) Countryman Cooper S All4. Also, it is still quite small compared to other cars/SUV's

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > mtdrift 01/21/2014 at 12:09

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It's one thing if there is precedent for the model (Hardtop is obvious, Clubman is the Morris Traveller/Austin Countryman). It's quite another if they are just out to make something....well....out there.

The new Countryman would have been great had they not killed the factory WRC team. The Paceman is definitely out there, but it's a niche model.

Honestly, so is my Clubman S. People who wanted a more spacious Mini tended to go right for the Countryman, because 4 doors. No one really wanted the 2 door wagon called the Clubman. Except those of us who remember the old ones.

I'm sure the new interior will eventually grow on me, but I like my Mini because it is like no other small car out there.

Somewhere out there, there is an Oppo review of the '13 Clubman S. Here it is.

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KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > DeMarcusStark 01/21/2014 at 12:11

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I did look at one, but I felt it was more Jalop to get the only new 2.25 door wagon in production, the Clubman S.

The JalopMeter proved me right.

DeMarcusStark > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs 01/21/2014 at 13:05

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It is a nice car, but i'd rather have the countryman, i like it even more, and it is not even that big, i think it is smaller than a juke which is quite small on it's own
Also, being a jalop means loving what you drive, not what others think it's cool
(unless it is a prius or a camry/accord, in that case gtfac)
Anyway, i won't get a new car in a looong time, and if i was it would be a Fiesta ST or a Focus ST (Ford guy here)
Meanwhile i'll keep driving and loving my (dad's) 1985 Ford Topaz 2 door and i have to restore a beautiful Nardi wheel i just bought for it (under 10 bucks!!!!) you gotta love when people don't know what they have!!!

Satoshi "Zipang" Katsura > mtdrift 01/21/2014 at 17:34

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Someone once asked me why I should go for the old actual Mini - I responded that if I was punted on ANY side by some dude in an ES250, I will be mad if I was single at the time. (aka, I don't want to die being single and in a small Mini.)

plainnottoasted > mtdrift 01/21/2014 at 17:51

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If governments were going to mandate this (hideous) design feature and that (blasphemous) design feature all in the name of safety, they should have done us a favor and mandated a maximum size and weight for civilian production vehicles.

Because nothing says fuck pedestrian and passenger safety like this demure little gadget.

DipodomysDeserti > mtdrift 01/21/2014 at 18:54

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I really like the idea of the mini. Small, sporty, quick, cheap. However, the new ones are none of those things. That's why I picked up an Abarth. Smaller than a Mini, got it for less than $20k, and it has 160hp. Everything I wish the mini was.

Alex87f > mtdrift 01/22/2014 at 08:08

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I sort of agree and disagree with what you say...

One the one hand, I'm perfectly OK with Mini Clubman or the 4-door version. Just because it has two more doors doesn't make it bad, as long it stays true to the motto of simplicity and driver enjoyment. Their public is mostly women. Women often have children, and apparently two more doors makes it easier to carry around your beloved brats. If taking two doors is what it takes, so be it.
Same goes for the Cabriolet.

On the other hand, I think Mini needs to draw a line in the sand. A 4-door mini is a logical step. A jacked up SUV isn't. And neither is a jacked up 2-door SUV or a stupid roadster that doesn't add anything to the Cabriolet apart from being more expensive. And I won't even mention the coupe.
Taking a mini and adapting it to evolving regulations by adding some crumple zones, airbags and pedestrian safety designs is something. Adding two doors to the same body is OK. The problem is that they do more than that.

Take a Mini, jack it up, make it a foot longer, add 35% weight and four wheel drive, a heavy diesel that adds bulk over the front end, has a 2000rpm powerband and sounds like crap, and you end up losing what makes the Mini in the first place. A base diesel countryman does 0-60 in more than 13 seconds.. That's nothing more than using brand credit to sell something completely unrelated. A countryman isn't different from any other small sized SUV.

Svend > mtdrift 01/22/2014 at 08:45

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I'm torn as a Brit. First was Mini being taken over by BMW and then the upsizing of the vehicles. But the cars had to come into the modern age which meant adding safety features and modern day accessories that we lust after in turn gaining a lot of size and weight. Even though it is no longer owned by a British company and it's only real hat tip to it's past is the badge and a few retro styling cues. I am glad in someway that at least the name is being kept alive and not left to history like Riley, Worseley, Triumph, Rover, etc... The cars like ourselves as we get older we gain size and weight, it's unavoidable.

brakesnow > mtdrift 01/22/2014 at 10:14

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This article definitely changed the way I view MINI as a brand. Although I still wish they were a bit less gizmo-centric and more focused on saving weight. Same could be said about every other manufacturer, save Lotus.

Kruezerman > mtdrift 12/29/2014 at 13:39

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Why isn't this posted on the front page of Jalopnik proper?

Oh wait, reason and rationality. Can't have that on the internet.

mtdrift > Kruezerman 12/29/2014 at 14:35

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Too logical, too long. :)